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BikerGSX

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Location: UK

A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bugger off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.. OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloody didn't.

Posted on October 7, 2014 at 10:12 PM

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• BikerGSX

  

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  Location: UK

  Handing over my ID at the post-office, the clerk blurts out, “you've worn a bit since this photo was taken”. “You dead right” I replied. “I had it taken just before I joined your bloody queue”.

  Posted on October 7, 2014 at 10:23 PM
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• BikerGSX

  

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  Location: UK

  My boss walked past my desk and said, “Where’s the picture of your loved one gone?” I said, “My wife found out about it.”

  Posted on October 7, 2014 at 10:31 PM
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• RDX

  

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  Johnny is required to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.

  The maid answers the call, but she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with someone! Johnny is furious, and tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the man with her. She puts down the phone, and soon the man hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.

  The maid comes back to the phone. Johnny asks, "Did you kill them?"

  "Yes," she replies.

  Johnny questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

  "I threw them in the pool," she responds.

  There is a brief pause from Johnny. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?"

  "Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

  "Uh, is this 555-8234?"

  Posted on October 7, 2014 at 11:46 PM
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• RDX

  

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  A quiet little man was brought before a judge.

  "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" the judge asked the man.

  "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."

  "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

  "Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card.

  And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' ....

  So I stabbed him."

  Posted on October 7, 2014 at 11:54 PM
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• BikerGSX

  

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  Location: UK

  I was having a fight with a hoody last night when my wife opened the back door and said “Leave my washing line alone and get into the house you drunken idiot!”

  Posted on October 8, 2014 at 12:33 AM
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• BikerGSX

  

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  Location: UK

  People who say the male g-spot is in the anus, have clearly never put a cotton bud in their ear and wiggled it about a bit.

  Posted on October 8, 2014 at 12:38 AM
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• syubandabi

  

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  Location: Indonesia

  something silly

  Posted on October 8, 2014 at 12:41 AM
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• ltbharley

  

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  @bikergsx People who say the male g-spot is in the anus, have clearly never put a cotton bud in their ear and wiggled it about a bit.

  Am I the only person who hates putting cotton buds in my ears?

  Posted on October 8, 2014 at 12:44 AM
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• xuangfe

  

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  I DIDN'T RECOGNISE YOU

  A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

  Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

  Posted on October 8, 2014 at 2:10 AM
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• sanoc

  

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  KEEPING MYSELF PURE

  This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

  "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

  Posted on October 8, 2014 at 2:17 AM
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